As I awoke to the buzzing of a pesky fly this morning, I found that my sleepy mind and heart were thinking of my family. I thought of myself as a mother and how much I feel every sickness, every pain, every triumph…how I feel everything for the boys that I cherish so much. How just today with Jonathen away at a sleepover, my house feels so empty. How so much of who I am lives within their lives too.
This week I received a phone call that I knew might be coming soon, but even though, would never be ready for. Through the crackle of tears my Mother called to say that my Grandmother, well that my Grandmother is preparing to leave this world. Overcome with emotion and love, my mind raced with every thought imaginable. How I would never want her to suffer for one moment, how much I will miss her, how she had loved me and I her, how my Mother must be feeling, how my family, how all….. As I hung up the phone the reality of it all started to sink in, the tears welled in my eyes and I felt this incredible peace come over me. I began to feel even more in awe of who my Grandmother is…
I can only relate with who she must be though my own heart. I feel the incredible love I have for my children and can only imagine that multiplied by nine. Then take that and multiply it by nine more for grandchildren. Then take that and multiply it by six more for great grandchidren. How I feel every sickness, every heartache, every triumph times two…imagine that time and time again. How I miss Jonathen for just one night at a sleepover. She has had to say good-bye to two children and even one grandchild. How so much of who I am lives within their lives…she has shared so much of who she is in ALL of our lives.
What an incredible woman, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother. How lucky are we to have such a strong, beautiful mother. How when it is her time to leave us here, that she has loved us so much that she will still be in our lives. She will live in our hearts and our souls.
As my sons and I prepared to leave home this last time. She looked at my oldest Tyler and said to him that she would be watching over him from heaven. Then told my youngest Jonathen, to have a great life and that she would be looking over him. Then hugged me with all of her might and kissed me on my cheek, one that I can still feel even now. She then told me that she loved me and how proud she is of me. So full of emotion and trying to hold back the tears of a good-bye… a big good-bye. I didn’t have the chance to tell her…
From my youngest memory how she taught me strength. How my faith in God was sealed by her love. How seeing so much of myslef in another could make me feel safe. How sharing a love for baked potatoes could be so special. How home is where you raise your family, anywhere. How to not be afraid of who you are, and sometimes just say it. You are allowed. I could go on but my mind keeps taking me to one of my favorite memories.
My Mom’s favorite place when I was a child was the beach. Her car even shined a Life is a Beach sticker. Many of my childhood memories happend on a warm, sandy blanket. But my favorite trips to the beach were when Grandma would come with us. Mom would ALWAYS make tuna sald and bring crackers, and fruit. Food never tasted so good. And when Grandma would come, sharing that with her would make it taste even better. After lunch one time we decided to go in the water. As Mom sunbathed on the beach, Grandma and I walked down to the water together. I can still see her smile and having that time just her and I felt special. We were swimming and laughing when out of the corner of my eye I saw a fin. I yelled to Grandma – SHARK. What? she asked…I SEE A SHARK. It was about two feet away from us at this point, swimming towards her as she was closer than I. She couldnt hear me over the waves so I just grabbed her hand and started pulling her as fast as I could to shore. I can still hear her saying, “Well Serena, what is going on?” as I pulled her to shore. When we got there, we shared a laugh. Then we tried to warn the surfers about the sharks, they didnt leave the water. We headed back to the blanket to talk about those crazy surfers, surfing with those sharks!
To close this post is like saying good-bye. There are no words. I will just say See You Later…as I know in my heart I will. I am so thankful for you. Every part of you. I hope you feel how special you are. I thank you for your promise to look over my boys. That is a mother’s dream. And please, lastly…when you see Tyson, will you whisper to him from me, ” Thank you for the butterflies”. I will be looking forward to seeing even more from you.
So until soon, Grandma. I love you. Thank you for being you.