Monthly Archives: March 2012

She said she wanted to spend as many ‘Nani’ minutes as she could today. She even walked over 3 miles with me in the name of Nani time. There are not enough words to describe the love I have for this girl. My girl.

She says the sweetest things. Today when we were walking in the woods she asked me if I ever look up. I let her know that most of the time I am looking down or at my kids as I walk. At that moment we both looked up. It was a beautiful scene. The blue sky, the pine tress, all while our feet crinkled in the woods. What she said next brought tears to my eyes. She told me the next time I miss her to just look up and I will feel better. All I could do was wrap my arm around her because my eyes were full of tears and I was too choked up to say a word.

I have a feeling I will be spending many days looking up.

The last minutes of the day were the best. The Jackson’s arrived late and we all fell onto the couch together. It was like no time had passed, except for the fact that my little girl, well, she is taller than me now! We were sitting on the couch, yes all of us on the one couch, and soaking it all in when I decided I never wanted to forget how good it feels to be cuddled with love.

It is an amazing feeling to share the smiles and love my boys can bring. To be a part of that, to be on this side of seeing my Mom and Dad smile, is touching. This picture showed me that in a way I had never even thought about before and for that I am thankful. It was such a nice visit full of many smiles.

My Dad grabbed my camera tonight and caught this candid moment. I am so thankful. Matt and I cuddled and the boys being silly with the happiness that Daddy is home. We can check off our first deployment since returning to the states and it feels good. I learned much about myself and now I am confident that this new reality is survivable. I have spent many years of our relationship with Matt deployed but the last three have been a beautiful hiatus. So this felt like a big girl step and tonight I am enjoying the homecoming.

We have been waiting for the last piece of the settled puzzle. Waiting for our four bedroom home to be available. As much as I would like to say this waiting has been filled with peace and comfort, it has been nothing of the sort. I have felt so anxious. Mostly because I did not feel at home in this house. At home in the waiting.Throughout the last few months when I would feel the most unsettled, I would get the nudge that I needed to make peace. Get comfortable and make peace with waiting. I felt like that was the key yet I couldn’t do it.

More concretely there were touches that were missing in this house to make it feel homey. Matt’s computer was off in a dark corner and it just didnt feel right. So today Mom and I went off to look for some lamps. I have been shopping for lamps since we lived in Japan, some 4 years ago, and could never find ones that I liked. Today I found the perfect ones. I was so excited and Mom was sweet enough to gift them to me.

We got home from the store, which alone was amazing to have Mom with me…just Mom and Daughter off for a day of shopping. What some take may take for granted means the world to me. Anyways, once we got home we decorated the house with my three new lamps. I became one of those excited people that get their new house revealed, where I was jumping up and down and so full of excitement. This house, THIS HOUSE finally felt like home.

About an hour later I said to Mom before our yoga, you know what this means? I am going to get the call. She asked which call? I told her the call that says our four bedroom was ready. I then told her that I knew once I made peace with waiting and allowed this house to be home, or allowed myself to be okay, that I knew I would get the call. And I finally had that feeling.

Hours passed and we were watching a show together. I remembered that I had missed a call earlier and someone had left me a message. So I played the message on speaker. It was housing, they had called to offer us our four bedroom house.