For this moment I feel that I am on a wave in between. On one side is us and on the other is them. I have always admired them. They are some of the most beautiful parents I have ever known. Sitting in this world in between and I feel lost between the comfort that lies with us and the future that may be with them. I find myself wanting to retreat in the world of familiar, wanting to snap out of it, push away the tears and fears and just be what I have known for the nineteen years before.
Because this I know I can do.
But that, it leaves too many questions.
Today the word autism was spoken. In that moment there was one side of me that screamed in jubilee for that made it all feel right. Yet a stronger part of me was crushed for what that one word could mean. For him, for us, for now, for later. Confliction like I have never felt before.
In the hours that followed I found my mind chasing my heart that was beating out of my chest, even in the quietest of moments. A conditioned human response.
Fight or flight.
I wish I could say my first response was to fight, but instead, I wanted to curl him in my wings and protect him from every possibility. For his reality with us seems just fine, it is only when we compare him to the outside world that it feels so real.
I want to trust. I need to trust. But what do you trust in a world so new. I felt my mind racing through my Rolodex and no one fit just right.
The idea of a label, of the power of one word, seemed so constricting and so defined. Breaking free from what that word could mean and making it about what he needs feels right.
We are a million moon miles from knowing. So I ride this wave and dance in between the what is and what may be.
I curled him on my lap, turned the pages of his favorite book and tried to read the familiar words as my voice wavered and the tears flowed. Surprised by how those words felt so different today than just a day ago.
While reading, the tears stopped when I realized this is the same book, being read to my same very sweet little boy. He has not changed, I have not changed. This word does not change us. There is no us and them. I am already us and them by just being me. We are still facing the same storm, so I must ride this wave, only now with more answers and help from those before me.
– These words are my very raw and unscripted emotions after hearing the results of Jackson’s mchat, in which resulted in a referral to a developmental pediatrician for a possible diagnosis.
